On how not to win friends and influence people within the gay community

All these suggestions come from my dealings with a gay man whom I spent an inordinate amount of time with yesterday.

1. Use deodorant. Some gay men have told me that antiperspirants work best but really, I don't care what you use as long as you use it and don't have B.O.

2. Don't tell me how many men have crushes on you. It is especially annoying when, in every turn our conversation takes you exclaim, "Oh yeah, he totally has a crush on me." Also, I don't care if every gay man at BYU has a crush on you. You've never even been there so shut up about it already!

3. Don't drop names. And don't keep dropping the same names throughout our conversation. Like, I don't care who your hairdresser is neighbors with or who your trainer is roommates with. And I certainly got it the first time you said it--you don't have to keep saying it.

4. Don't talk about politics like you know what you are talking about. It was obvious within the first few minutes of our conversation when you said, "Mitt Romney is going to win the whole thing just because he's Mormon" that I knew you were full of shit. Read a newspaper every now and then.

5. Stop trying to 'outgay' everyone else! I get that you are an artist/dancer/whore/actor/waiter/vegetarian--like every gay man out there isn't at least one of these things? I mean really.

6. Stop. Talking. Just stop. I can't take it anymore.