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And hilarity ensues

I'm currently in the process of moving to a new apartment which involves packing 30 years worth of crap which involves going through all the stuff I have. Who knew that I'd have so much stuff at 30?

One of the things I found last night was a piece of scratch paper that has some lyrics to a song Jesse and I wrote during the 2004 legislative session. Here they are for your enjoyment:

The gays, the abortionists
The gamblers and the drunks.
Utah's Legislature thinks they are punks;
They want to legislate our lives
to keep us straight and clean.
No more sidecars! No more drinks! No more transvestite dancing queens!

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Another goody from McSweeney's

Things that will destroy my heterosexual marriage long before gay marriage will

So, what does this make gay men?

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but they are easy to get.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men...men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

I'm easily amused and entertained.

Yes, I'm a nerd. But this clock surely makes you think!

Don't forget to click on the "Now" button.

Some things I will miss come Monday,

are the incredibly funny emails that Jesse periodically sends me.

Yesterday, I forwarded him this email: (personal information has been deleted to protect the privacy of stupid people).

On 8/9/07, Meg wrote:
Jesse,
I think you and Brian should join this club at the U this year!
You could both bring a lot to the table I have no doubt.

Megan

Utah Eagle Forum wrote:

From: "Utah Eagle Forum"
To: "- UEF"
Subject: UTAH EAGLE FORUM COLLEGIANS -- U of U Chapter!
Date: Thu, 9 Aug 2007 09:58:45 -0600

EAGLES! The time is NOW to help get College clubs going -- our 1st focus is the University of Utah.

PLEASE SEND CORY& DALANE MORE REFERENCES!

Exciting News!

We now have a Utah Eagle Forum Collegian Club

at the University of Utah!

Please send us contact info (name and phone number or e-mail address) for all of the U Students that you know and we will contact them -- find out if they are interested and let them know how they can be involved!

Send contact info to:

• Cory
• Dalane
  

Jesse's reply to me was priceless! Here it is:

Megan,

Thank you for telling us of the opportunity! As University Eagles, we'll be able to defend family values against fags and single moms!

Yay!

Jesse

I laughed out loud for at least 10 minutes. And I keep laughing as I read it now.

Okay FINE! I'll do it! But no one will like it!

Eleka tagged me. Woo. But, I don't even think 8 people still read this blog or that I even know 8 people who blog. So, don't get too uppity when I don't tag 8 people.

THE RULES

1. All right, here are the rules.
2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
4. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
5. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Alrighty then.
#1 - I have perfected the craft of being fake-nice to people and made it into a work of art. Next time you see me at an event, just watch me closely and you will see what I mean! And yet, I hate fake people. Conundrum!

#2 -I could never be a vegetarian because I love bacon too much and I could never be a vegan because I love cheese too much.

#3 - I love ice cream.

#4 - Lately, I haven't been able to spell words correctly when typing. Like easy words too. I wonder if it's a sign of an aneurysm.

#5 - I hurt my Achilles heel. I don't know how and I don't know when. It just hurts and I don't think it can be fixed.

#6 - I despise MySpace but have found myself on it at least once a day since Missy came back.

#7 - In case you didn't know, I read the latest Harry Potter book in two days.

#8 - As you can obviously see, I am grasping for straws here. Oh hell, I'll just give ya a secret. I have a total crush on Joey Lawrence (yes, that Joey Lawrence). I think he's hot. So there. Whatever.

So my picks are really anyone who wants to do this. It's kinda fun. I guess.

Things I can cross off on "My Life To Do List"

Crashing a wedding

AND

Getting kicked out of a wedding I crashed

Two of my favorites together: This American Life meets The New Republic

Thanks to my friend Matt, I started listening to This American Life recently. And, when Ye Olde iPod is working, I can listen to the weekly podcasts.

And thanks to another friend, I started reading The New Republic. I especially enjoy the daily newsletter with witty articles about politics and the arts. So, imagine my sheer delight when the two joined up a for a contest! (You can read the details here).

Anyway, I was going to send in an entry about my brother and I started writing it but I never sent it in.

And, after reading the winning entry, I doubt I would have won anyway. My entry was kind of sad (it was about my brother after all) and I had a hard time figuring out the ending. Let me know if you'd like to read it. I could post it here.

I've been banned! (part 3)

While a friend of mine was in Mexico last year, he could not access this blog because it had the word "Gay" in the title.

During the same time, someone from somewhere somehow was able to take my blog off the internets. (No, it was not my Mexican friend and yes, on ALL the internets). (And if you don't get the 'internets' reference, then we can just not be friends anymore).

I'm quite used to being banned.

But imagine my surprise when I found out that I have been banned from commenting on my Mexican friend's blog! I mean, it's not like I comment on EVERY post--just every OTHER one!

And I'm nice. I don't use vulgarity or any kind of sexual innuendos. Well, sometimes I do but only when it is absolutely necessary (like when referring to his hot boyfriend).

So, starting today, I will be boycotting this blog. (It's not like there are any current or worthwhile posts to read anyway).

"If I were king for just one day"

My mom visited this weekend and when she left, she took my car.

"That sucks," you say?

Oh, no. Not at all.

She left me her car:


I really haven't minded at all. I told my mom that when she dies, she better leave me her car or else. I don't know what the 'else' would be because she'd be dead.

But I still want the car.

On why I (heart) Threadless T's

Ever since Jesse showed me the website for Threadless shirts a few months ago, I have been thoroughly addicted to the shirts. (Not as addicted as Jesse, but addicted nonetheless).

The shirts are humorous and most times sarcastic in nature. Even my kid likes them and begs to order another one as soon as she receives one in the mail.

I love the fact that if the shirt is out of stock, you can lobby for a reprint and if they reprint it, they send you an email so you can be one of the first ones to buy it.

You can get points for helping them sell shirts and for submitting pictures while wearing the shirts. The points are dollars that you can use to buy shirts.

One of the latest shirts I bought was this one

I bought it in a hoody and absolutely love it. The only problem is that the hoodies are not the same thickness as typical sweatshirts. It's not a big deal; just a mere annoyance.

You should all buy shirts for yourself or as gifts between now and Dec. 13th. They are having a HUGE sale. And, you MUST use this link to buy the shirts. Just do it!

You know you want to.

The Dinner I talked about in my last post

Was fun.

Oh how I love random text messages!

The one I received tonight was a doozy!

"Its too bad you had a concert tonight. Im home all alone til like midnight tonight. We could have done something a couple of times..ha ha..What time does it end?"

If only I thought hooking up with complete strangers was a good idea!

After a long hiatus....

So, in my last post, I wrote that I was tired of writing on this blog and I wasn't going to write anymore. Well, that didn't last long so I crossed out that post and am going to pretend that it never happened, okay? Now, I may not write something everyday or even every week so keep your expectations low. I am still having issues with not having enough to make fun of write about but I'll get there eventually.

I mostly am doing this because something has happened and I just can not keep it in any longer. (Look for a new post tomorrow!!)

Forgive me for being neurotic--it's just who I am.

Veet: the gay man's treat

I realized recently that all of my close gay boyfriends have all tried some kind of hair removal product somewhere on their body.

I never have.

And yet, I'm the one who is "required" to shave my legs often (I average about once a week).

That really says something about our society, doesn't it?

Is Waiter Gay?

Find out here!

Where do you shave?

I found this commercial while browsing The Onion today.

It is too funny.

Enjoy!

Click on this link.

You will like it, I promise.

No, it's not gay porn.

Yes, you can click on it at work.

Just do it already! You know you want to! (Give in to my peer pressure, just this once.)

Then, thank me.

I thank Super Velma!

My semi-annual scrape & poke

Going to the dentist is not something one usually looks forward to.

Unless you go to my dentist.

Tall, dark and hot is he.

Yes, he is gay. (Would you expect otherwise? Do you not know me?)

My dental experience is by far, one of the most enjoyable things I look forward to twice a year. I don't go to "a dentist." I go to "a dental spa."

You walk into the office, with it's flowing draperies, mood lighting, and scent of lavender wafting in the air, to check in with the receptionist. She asks if you would like a latte or tea while you wait (which she makes herself) as you listen to the sweet ambient tunes of Sarah, Alanis, Madonna, Frou Frou and others.

The dental assistant comes to get me and takes me to the check-up room (is there another name?) and helps me with the paraffin hand wax. If you haven't ever had a paraffin hand wax, I highly recommend it.

As the wax hardens, the assistant proceeds to take x-rays and cleans my teeth.

Then, my yummy dentist comes to check my teeth. He is mad at me because I still haven't got my wisdom teeth out. "I've been busy!" I say. "You can never be too busy for good dental care," he jokingly chastises.

When he's finished, another assistant proceeds with the awful part--poking and scraping. We have a good conversation about our kids while she also proceeds to tell me I need to have my wisdom teeth out.

Finally, the best part of the visit comes: the facial massage. Brandon (yet another dental assistant) (yes, he too is gay) begins the massage and we chat about life. [Note to Jesse: Brandon is leaving in a few months and won't be working there anymore! I hope there is another cute gay boy to give you massages!]

I leave feeling refreshed and love having just-polished teeth!

The one downside of my experience: I have to go back in today to get some cavities filled. This experience is sure to not be as enjoyable as yesterday's.

UPDATE: The only enjoyable thing about my fillings was looking into Dr. Graham's nice brown eyes. And, he's so gay, he talked about American Idol the whole time.