Reasons gay couples annoy me

1. If I buy a concert ticket for one half of a couple for his birthday, do I have to buy the other a ticket as well? I'm having a hard time with this one. I have no problem buying two tickets--one for me and one for my friend. But do I have to buy a ticket for his partner? One part of the couple doesn't really care for concerts and so I don't necessarily want to buy a ticket for him yet I feel that I should buy a ticket for each of them so we all can go together. But it's only one person's birthday and I don't want to buy his partner a ticket on HIS birthday.

2. Why is it necessary to ignore your old friends when in a relationship? You see, I know this one guy who has this tendency to ditch his close friend when he begins dating a new guy. Now normally, I wouldn't have an issue with this except that it keeps happening with absolutely no explanation. I just don't understand this because when on of my girl friends begins dating a new guy, she doesn't shut her friends out and begin solely hanging out with her new guy. I think it's just the incessant desire of a gay man to be in a relationship that causes this.

3. How is it okay for gay couples to have open relationships but not straight couples? I don't get why it's okay and even accepted in the gay world to have multiple partners in a relationship. If a straight couple were to have this kind of open relationship, it would be frowned upon, no? And what's up with gay couples going to "sex parties" (or other parties like them)? How weird is this and why would anyone go to one of these (especially if you are a well-known public official)? But if a straight couple were in an open relationship, society would definitely look down upon you.

4. Why is it necessary for you to tell me what sickeningly sweet text messages your boyfriend is sending to you while we are chatting on IM? Okay, so you both think each other is cute and you love each other to no end, yadda yadda yadda. But really, it makes me barf.

5. Why is there so much jealousy and no communication in gay relationships? Why won't gays talk about their past relationships with their current boyfriend? What are you hiding? If you can't be completely open and honest in your relationship, it will fail. On the other hand, you can't always be jealous an think he's hiding something from you. C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E!

Bitter? You bet! Thoroughly annoyed? Of course!

On being the 3rd, or 5th, or even 7th wheel

I like being single. I like the freedom I have of not having to constantly be with a partner. I like the independence of not worrying about the feelings of someone else.

Oh, and I'm afraid of commitment.

This being said, there are often times my singleness is greatly emphasized. And I hate it.

This usually happens when hanging out with my boys. And it usually doesn't bother me unless I constantly think about it like I tend to do with things. Brian and Jesse are partners, and Scott is currently dating. Right there, I have 2 couples to deal with.

I don't get into too awkward situations usually where I feel severely uncomfortable. For example, last Monday, Brian, Jesse and I went out to eat at a fancyish restaurant and then a movie. The three of us have gone out many times and we have a lot of fun. There was a time when I was a regular staple at the Nicholls-Nix household. So much so that Brian joked that I was there more often than he was. At their new house, I don't even bother knocking, I just walk right in like I live there too. (I feel I deserve it because of my hard work, sweat, and burnt arm.) (Subliminal message: I need a new iPod.)

Anyway, as I was saying, sometimes, being the 3rd (or 5th or 7th) wheel just isn't a big deal.

Unless, it's emphasized by another person.

This happened on Saturday. After a fun day at the air show with Jesse and his friend Sara, Jesse invited me, Scott, and Ken over to their house for dinner and board games. Russell and Jennie were there as well so we knew we'd have fun.

Jesse wanted to play Cranium and since teams are needed for this, it was blatantly obvious that I was the "odd man out." Jesse suggested I call Melissa to invite her so I wouldn't be left out. I told him just to take me home if it was that big of a deal to him. He protested that it wasn't and away we went.

Cutting it short, we ended up not playing Cranium but another game in which the teams were as follows:

• Russell & Jennie
• Brian & Jesse
• Scott, Ken, & Me

I did feel like the 7th wheel. And I hate it. I feel like I am the poor single friend they invited to hang out with them cause they feel sorry for them or that I'm a drag and they only hang out with out of pity.

*Suggestion* When playing games with friends, if teams are needed, don't make couples automatic teams. I know this upsets some very much (so much they get pissy and ask everyone to leave) but it's only nice and fair. I mean, why do the couples ALWAYS have to be teammates?

Gay, Drunk, and Annoying? Oh, how I've missed thee.

Not really.

It's been a while since I've written about Brady. I mean, with him being gone to San Francisco, I haven't had to deal with him much.

He's back in town for a few weeks. Yay. And the only things he wants to do are go to the bars and drink. Double yay.

I'm usually okay with this but Brady has a way about him. Whenever he is around certain people, he is really different. In fact, one could say he's a dick. When he drinks, his dick-level increases about 500%. Not fun.

This is what I experienced Wednesday evening.

Not only was he louder and more obnoxious than usual, he was overly sexual and kept trying to show us stuff. Ew. Really.

The highlight of the evening was when he called Jake (the boyfriend) in San Francisco and left a 2-minute drunk message about how he was mad he didn't answer and how hot the owner of the bar was.

I'm sure he really enjoyed that.

Two weeks until he leaves can't come soon enough. Do you think he'll get suspicious if I don't answer anymore of his phone calls?

Every girl needs at least one gay man in her life

For fashion advice.

Whenever I wear one of my suits, I can never get my collar right. So, I wait until I see one of my boys (or another gay man) and have them fix it.

When I needed a snappy new outfit for a big event I had last year, a gay man picked everything out for me--down to the shoes and type of nylons I should wear.

I think every girl should have at least one gay man around to go to for fashion advice. Now, I'm not saying I'm a fashion diva by any means. My style is VERY casual: jeans and my Cons, comfortable shirts, no logos or prints. But, it's very helpful to have a gay man to shop with, color coordinate your closet, and occasionally dress you.

There are, of course, many fashion no-no's. My friend Melissa lists many of her personal favorites here.

I am adding a few to the list. I may think of more later and add them, but these are mine for now. Oh, and if you know of some, add yours as well.

1. Those velvet-like sweat suits. You know the ones I'm talking about, the skin-tight, matching ensembles. Now these aren't SO bad but when you add thong underwear, then it gets downright awful. Oh, yes, I said thong underwear. I don't understand the thong underwear when wearing skin tight pants anyway but these sweat suits show EVERYTHING and then some. (Shudder) It just should not be done.

2. Wearing sexy and revealing clothes when you just shouldn't. Because you aren't and really, you shouldn't. You know who I'm talking about.

3. Not wearing a bra. Seriously, this is just gross. You are NOT Britney Spears (pre-Kevin) and you never will be so wear a friggin' bra!

Let's recap what we've learned today. Get a gay man and use his skills. If you can't find one, you can always borrow one of mine!

Just Jack!

Jesse and I had lunch with an acquaintance of ours yesterday.

I say acquaintance of ours because I thought we were friends. But, after lunch, we realized that he has way too much drama to be a friend of ours.

However, Jack brought drama to a new level.

He ran over to us saying, "Hey guys! How are you? Can I sit with you?"

First mistake--saying yes.

He sat down and proceeded to tell us how he was really a Republican (while he was wearing a College Democrats T-shirt). He exclaimed, "I'm only a Democrat because I like to have sex with men. But, I am Jewish so I guess that is another reason I am one."

Um, wow.

I said something about all the men he as dated. He hit me. Now, it wasn't like one of those playful hits that you do when you're joking with someone. It was really hard and actually hurt a little. So, I did what I would do to anyone.

I hit him back.

I wanted to know more about why he thinks he is a Republican. "Well, I am pro-life, anti-death penalty, and a supporter of NAFTA. So, I guess that makes me a Republican," he said.

"It sounds to me that you are more of a moderate."

"Oh, and I hate immigration! That's an issue I am so vocal on. I think that those who are here should stay but anymore who want to come in should not be let in. I hate Mexicans. I'm a Democrat so it's ok if I'm racist.

"I'm a Mexican," Jesse said. "Well, El Salvadoran. My mom was an illegal immigrant."

"Really?!" he asked. "Well, I'm sorry if I offended you. Well, actually I'm not. I don't really care."

Jesse and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes.

Then, his phone rang. He answered it(a HUGE pet peeve of Jesse's, by the way) saying, "Hello-who-is-this-where-are-you-what-are-you-doing?"

"What does the P stand for?" I asked after he hung up. (His middle name.)

"Patrick," he answered, "but I don't know if I want to go by Jack Patrick Lewis or just be known by one name, like Madonna. You know, just Jack! Or just my initials, JPL. It's such a hard decision."

He was wearing a paper ring around his finger and Jesse asked him about it. He said that it was "an engagement ring" from a guy he'd been dating for like, one month. He then told us the story.

"We were at Sizzler and were talking about marriage when he asked me to marry him. He made a ring out of this stuff (pointing to a straw wrapper). What is it called? A straw condom."

"A straw wrapper," I offered.

"Yeah, yeah, that's it. So he made a ring and asked me to marry him right there in the Sizzler."

AUTHOR'S SIDENOTE: Sizzler?!?!? How classy and romantic, really.

"So, I told the waitress we had just gotten engaged and I wanted a dessert for free and she said, 'For real?' and I thought she wasn't going to make the dessert because we were gay but she did and it was huge and really nice. I mean, I could have made it myself but I wanted her to and I wanted it for free and she made it all nice. I think she only made it for us because she didn't want to be accused of discriminating against gays."

At this point, I had finished with my lunch and had some rice and beans leftover. He was staring at them intently so I offered them to him.

"Oh, thank you! All I have are these crackers that were 80 cents for a pack of ten at Big Lots and this Diet Coke that was also on sale. The crackers are probably stale because they are from Big Lots."

"This isn't a Diet Coke, it's a Diet Max," Jesse snobbishly said, picking up the can. It was a Albertson's Diet Cola.

"Same thing," Jack! said. "Oh and I'm so excited to see Rent this weekend."

"It doesn't come out until the 23rd," I said.

"No, it comes out tomorrow. My boyfriend told me and he would know," Jack replied.

I retorted, "Um, sorry. I am the biggest fan and I've been waiting for it for a while. I KNOW when it comes out."

"I'll have to agree with Megan on this one," Jesse interjected.

Yeah, you don't to argue with me on anything Rent-related. But nice try.

Finally, it was time to leave. I had to get back to work and Jesse had to go study.

"You guys just don't like me, I know it. That's why you are leaving. Fine."

And he spilled his ice on me.

Are rules really made to be broken?

I only have few rules when it comes to my friends. Usually, they are all good at following them but every now and then, one is broken.

I'd like to take this opportunity now to state these rules and the reasoning behind them.

Rule #1 No phone calls or text messages are allowed after 10:00 PM unless you know without a doubt that I am awake.

Now, I created this rule because I would constantly get phone calls or text messages when I was sleeping. It didn't really bother me until they started happening when I was away and the calls/texts would wake me up. This was the breaking point and I had to draw a line.

Every now and then, the rule does get broken and the offender hears about it. This happened last night. AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

Rule #2 Do not assume anything about me.

This rule came about because there are some of my gay boyfriends who assume things about me. Like, oh, I don't know, how much better my life would be with "a man." What the hell?! When I heard this for the first time (and again, you know who you are) I was like, "Oh hell no!
You did NOT just say that!" But when another one said it to me, I was P-I-S-E-D for sure!

Now, I'm not really sure what makes any of them think that I need/want/long for straight male companionship. I'm pretty open about what I'm thinking or wanting and you'll be sure to know it. Sure, I get a twinge when Jesse and Brian kiss and cuddle and I think, "Yeah, I'd like that." But not now. It's just not what I need in my life right now. I'm a firm believer that love comes when one least expects it and I know that someday, it will come to me.

Rule #3 I get to make fun of you. You don't get to make fun of me.

This is a part of the contract you sign when becoming my friend. If there is anything funny in your past or you do something funny now, I get exclusive rights to tease you about it for eternity. I won't go into much detail about what these things are here. I'll save that for other posts. (Evil laugh!)

Gay Love: God, How Annoying!

Brady got back from San Francisco this week and all he has talked about is his Jake!! Apparently, Jake is coming to visit in a few weeks and all Brady is doing is planning what to do. You could never tell that this is finals week and he still hasn't taken his Statistics final. It's, "I'm so excited to see Jake" or "What if he thinks I'm boring?" or "I need to go tanning at least 4 more times before he gets here."

OH MY GOD! Did I curse the Gods in a previous life? Is this my eternal sentence? I'd rather live with a 100 cats and watch soap operas all day. Well, not really. But, you get the idea.

Gay love. It's a funny thing. I always find it funny when one of my gay boyfriends has seen a guy once and they are totally in love with them or they are "dating." In my book, dating is going out with the same person more than 5 times--and sex doesn't count! But then, I have also learned that my definition of sex is completely different than a gay boys'. (Another post for another time.)

I never understood the constant desire for a gay boy to be in a relationship. Until one day, Brian, oh wise one, explained it to me.

He said, "All of our lives, we have struggled to be accepted for who we are. All we want is for someone to love us. And relationships give us that."

He is a wise one, that Yoda Brian. (Hot too! Much hotter than Jesse's current crush, GJ! hehe)

Brady feels he has to be perfect for Jake or he won't like him. I said, "If he's that shallow, you don't need him." I know, I told Brady he shouldn't settle for someone who is shallow. Oy vey!

But I pose this question to all of my gay boyfriends: "If Mr. Right doesn't accept who you are no matter what, is he really the one you want to be with?" It seems to me that with love, you have to be as accepting as much as you want to be accepted--gay or straight.

Life's Little Annoyances

#1 Assumption. Do not assume anything about how I am feeling, thinking, or desiring. For example, do not assume that I am mad at you without any facts and without talking to me about it.

#2 Blame. Do not blame me for anything bad that happens in your life. Take some responsibility for your own actions and realize that you need some serious help.

#3 Inconsistency. Do not tell me that you want to do something and then don't. For example, do not tell me you would like me to call you if your help is needed only to say you never wanted me to do so.

#4 Timing. Never, ever call me at 10:15 PM then 12:15 AM deliberately and leave cryptic messages on my voicemail. This is not funny and it is definitely not a way to make me talk to you. Get a life.

#5 More Assumptions. Do not assume I am talking badly about you unless you know without a doubt I am. Sometimes, I just like to talk about you with others to figure out how best NOT to hurt you.

#6 Lies. Don't lie to me. It just pisses me off even more.

#7 Mistaken Sarcasm. Oh please, if you haven't figured out by now that I am 75% sarcastic, then you do live in your own reality