You're so vain

Until recently, I realized that one of my problems in life was that I was always trying to make my gays be friends with each other. It never worked and I can only begin to assume the reasons why.

I know that jealousy is one of them; I had a tendency to hang out with the more fun and entertaining ones more than the boring and depressing ones who are only friends with me because I have a title. And with this jealousy, inevitably comes the bitchy cattiness I loathe in gay men.

Now, I wouldn't normally get too upset with one gay bad-mouthing another gay but I can only take so much.

I have one gay (who shall remain nameless) who is constantly saying shit about the other gays in my life. I know he does it out of jealousy and spite because while I find them entertaining and fun, I find him annoying and stupid. It seems as if every time we have a conversation, he talks derogatory about the others. This would be normal except for two things. First, he does it ALL THE TIME. Second, he barely knows them. He has only met some of them twice and only had maybe 6 conversations with all of them in the past 4 years. He doesn't know anyone who knows them and I certainly do not talk to him about them.

I finally had enough and became very upset the other day when we were talking about how whorish gay men can be.

A snippet of our conversation:
"I really don't understand why gay men are like that at all. It's kinda sad," I said.

"Well, you know that (blank) is," he replied.

"Um, no, he's not actually."

"Oh I do. He's dirty. I could tell the first time I met him."

"Uh, no. He's really not."

"Oh really? Do you know how many guys he's had sex with?"

"Actually, I do. And, he's not dirty! Like at all. Where do you get off saying that about him? You barely know him!"

"I can just tell.'

"You don't know him! You don't know anyone who knows him! You know nothing about him! He is not dirty or a whore."

"Well, I can just tell."

"Stop saying that! You don't know him! You really need to stop talking shit about him and all my other friends. You don't know any of them, you don't talk to anyone who knows them so you really need to shut up."

I realized a long time ago that 99% of the time, people who talk badly about other people do so because of a serious lack of self-esteem.

I just don't find it necessary and highly annoying when gay men are like this. As in the words of Christian Aguilera, "You are beautiful, no matter what they say."

Oh, and get over yourself, you really aren't better than anyone!

Herding my gaggle

Planning is more than a degree
I'm a planner.

I like to make weekend plans on Thursday and have some idea about what I'm going to do for the whole weekend. I'm already planning my vacation in late November-early December. (I'm going on a cruise, preferably one with lots of gay men, so if you'd like to join me, let me know.)

Last Thursday, Scott and I made plans to hang out on Saturday night (since he had a 3rd date with Arlyn on Friday!). I said, "Let's invite Brian." We had previously joked that we would not see Brian for 10 weeks since Jesse was out of town. Scott said, "Well, let's also invite Adam. I said I'd hang out with him soon."

"Great," I said. "This will give me great blogging material."

And oh, it did.

The Drama known as Abish
I knew that I was silly for trying to make plans with gay men. By their very nature, gay men are very fickle (yes, you are) and prone to indecision (stop denying it). I have found that it's useless to make plans too far in advance or to plan something without first asking them all for suggestions.

"Why is this so?" you ask.

Three words: drama, drama, drama.

I texted Adam and Brian on Thursday to see what they were doing Saturday night. Both said, "Nothing. Why?" I invited them to hang out and their replies were both, "Who's all coming?" When I said that it would be us, (the five of us, including David) they said yes.

Because it matters who we hang out with?

Apparently.

You see, Friday night, Adam texted Scott and I to see what we were both doing. Since Scott had a date, he replied, "I'm on a date." This caused Adam to get pissy (I know, there's something new) because Scott had time to make new friends but not hang out with old ones. (Yet, he always makes time to hang out with me and Jesse. Hmmm. Well, just me and that's what's important.) Scott said, "Well, I'll see you tomorrow." To which Adam replied, "Maybe. We haven't decided yet."

Of course, since Scott and I talk constantly (this is me rolling my eyes), I knew about this conversation when I went and picked Adam up an hour later to go shopping with me. So, I mentioned it to Adam because he had told me two hours ago that he and David were planning on it and David was very excited. (Confused yet?) Of course, Adam was mad that Scott had told me what he said. Grr.

Finally, Saturday night came around. Scott mentioned that Arlyn may join us. And we knew fireworks would ensue.

Rosegate
You see, Adam and Brian have a history with Arlyn and do not like him.

In 2002ish, Adam, Brian and Arlyn were all good friends. Something happened between the three of them and Brian and Adam no longer like Arlyn. When Adam found out Arlyn was coming over, he said, "I will not be nice to him."

Scott put in his angry eyes, pointed at him, and told Adam in his teacher voice that he'd better be nice--or else! Brian had previously told Scott that he would be nice around Arlyn, but still would not like him.

Arlyn showed up with my friend Jessica, her cousin, and Robb Henry. (see Six Degrees of Separation below)

Things went ok, until Arlyn gave Scott a rose. Oh boy.

Adam was clearly jealous. But not because he likes Scott like that. You see, whenever Scott has started dating someone (and when Brian started dating Jesse), Adam gets extremely jealous that this person has "stolen" his friend from him. He's never gotten over Brian "leaving" him for Jesse (but, Jesse is the cuter and funner friend!) and always makes Scott feel guilty about his new relationships.

Scott has vowed, though, not anymore. He will not take Adam's crap anymore!

It was awkward to have Arlyn and my other friends standing around watching the rest of us play Scrabble so Scott left the game and went to talk to them. It was still an enjoyable evening and Brian and I tried to hurry the game along as best we could so we all could chat. However, Adam just would not secede. (I'm sorry, I just had to include a Civil War reference).

This just made Adam more mad.

Luckily, things went okay and around midnight, Arlyn, Scott and the others left. Adam, Brian, David and I were just finishing our Scrabble game when Adam said, "Well, that was just incredibly rude."

"Adam, get over it. You spent the whole evening with Scott and just accept what you're given. You can't do anything to change it so stop complaining," said Yoda Brian.

This shut him up.

Six Degrees of Separation
I met Arlyn around the same time as Brian and Adam did--but through student government--not the gay community. At the same time, I became good friends with Jessica and Matt. The three of us were inseparable and had such good times.

Since, then, I have become better friends with Arlyn through politics while Brian and Adam's friendship with him obviously became non-existent. Matt and Jessica and I were out of touch for a while but we've since made plans to repeat our infamous "Going to a basketball game while drunk" outing. (Sorry, Arlyn.)

Jesse was good friends with Robb Henry at one time (I think they may have dated, but I'm not sure) (and by "dated" I mean "slept together") HAHA! UPDATE: Jesse has informed me that he and Robb never dated or slept together. They are just friends.

Anyway, I have met Robb before, in fact, he's been to my house before. On Jesse's 21st birthday, we had a "surprise" party for him and Robb showed up. I don't think he remembered though. And, I don't think Brian cared for him either. Hmmm.

Jesse has also become friends with Arlyn and was his bitch in 2004. Scott met Arlyn through Jesse and I. (Yes, I know. I am so wonderful.)

The night was not a total drag, though. I found out one very important detail about someone's relationship. But that is a blog for another time.

Advice Time!

Let's say I have a problem with someone. Do I talk to this person about this problem?

If I let this simmer (as is my tendency), one day, it'll just blow up. And that won't be good.

If I talk about it with this person, it won't do any good; nothing will be resolved.

Do I just forget about it and move on? How do I do that?

How do I stop caring?

Just Jack!

Jesse and I had lunch with an acquaintance of ours yesterday.

I say acquaintance of ours because I thought we were friends. But, after lunch, we realized that he has way too much drama to be a friend of ours.

However, Jack brought drama to a new level.

He ran over to us saying, "Hey guys! How are you? Can I sit with you?"

First mistake--saying yes.

He sat down and proceeded to tell us how he was really a Republican (while he was wearing a College Democrats T-shirt). He exclaimed, "I'm only a Democrat because I like to have sex with men. But, I am Jewish so I guess that is another reason I am one."

Um, wow.

I said something about all the men he as dated. He hit me. Now, it wasn't like one of those playful hits that you do when you're joking with someone. It was really hard and actually hurt a little. So, I did what I would do to anyone.

I hit him back.

I wanted to know more about why he thinks he is a Republican. "Well, I am pro-life, anti-death penalty, and a supporter of NAFTA. So, I guess that makes me a Republican," he said.

"It sounds to me that you are more of a moderate."

"Oh, and I hate immigration! That's an issue I am so vocal on. I think that those who are here should stay but anymore who want to come in should not be let in. I hate Mexicans. I'm a Democrat so it's ok if I'm racist.

"I'm a Mexican," Jesse said. "Well, El Salvadoran. My mom was an illegal immigrant."

"Really?!" he asked. "Well, I'm sorry if I offended you. Well, actually I'm not. I don't really care."

Jesse and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes.

Then, his phone rang. He answered it(a HUGE pet peeve of Jesse's, by the way) saying, "Hello-who-is-this-where-are-you-what-are-you-doing?"

"What does the P stand for?" I asked after he hung up. (His middle name.)

"Patrick," he answered, "but I don't know if I want to go by Jack Patrick Lewis or just be known by one name, like Madonna. You know, just Jack! Or just my initials, JPL. It's such a hard decision."

He was wearing a paper ring around his finger and Jesse asked him about it. He said that it was "an engagement ring" from a guy he'd been dating for like, one month. He then told us the story.

"We were at Sizzler and were talking about marriage when he asked me to marry him. He made a ring out of this stuff (pointing to a straw wrapper). What is it called? A straw condom."

"A straw wrapper," I offered.

"Yeah, yeah, that's it. So he made a ring and asked me to marry him right there in the Sizzler."

AUTHOR'S SIDENOTE: Sizzler?!?!? How classy and romantic, really.

"So, I told the waitress we had just gotten engaged and I wanted a dessert for free and she said, 'For real?' and I thought she wasn't going to make the dessert because we were gay but she did and it was huge and really nice. I mean, I could have made it myself but I wanted her to and I wanted it for free and she made it all nice. I think she only made it for us because she didn't want to be accused of discriminating against gays."

At this point, I had finished with my lunch and had some rice and beans leftover. He was staring at them intently so I offered them to him.

"Oh, thank you! All I have are these crackers that were 80 cents for a pack of ten at Big Lots and this Diet Coke that was also on sale. The crackers are probably stale because they are from Big Lots."

"This isn't a Diet Coke, it's a Diet Max," Jesse snobbishly said, picking up the can. It was a Albertson's Diet Cola.

"Same thing," Jack! said. "Oh and I'm so excited to see Rent this weekend."

"It doesn't come out until the 23rd," I said.

"No, it comes out tomorrow. My boyfriend told me and he would know," Jack replied.

I retorted, "Um, sorry. I am the biggest fan and I've been waiting for it for a while. I KNOW when it comes out."

"I'll have to agree with Megan on this one," Jesse interjected.

Yeah, you don't to argue with me on anything Rent-related. But nice try.

Finally, it was time to leave. I had to get back to work and Jesse had to go study.

"You guys just don't like me, I know it. That's why you are leaving. Fine."

And he spilled his ice on me.

The Role of the Fag Hag

What is the purpose of a gay boy's "Fag Hag"? For quite some time, I have wondered this. My usual role has been to introduce one gay boyfriend to another (or others). This is usually the ok part of the job. Sometimes things work out for the best, and sometimes they don't. The other role is to be there for them through drama or breakups or coming out.

Now, I am very protective of my gay boyfriends. Some, more than others, yes. I try to be there for all of them when they need me. However, I can only handle so much. I don't like to get in between two of them. Some of them may disagree vehemently with that, but they are the ones who cause most, if not all, of the problems. Usually, I am put into this position by one of them because I am the only one who is friends with all of them.

Friends talk about each other with each other, no? My life is no exception. When one gay boy has an issue with another, I hear about it (except for the boyfriend issues). What I can't understand is, when one tells me something about another, what is their reasoning for telling me? Do they just want me to know or do they want me to tell the other? I have struggled with this fine line. It often causes contention when I tell one something the other said about him. Who knew gay boys could be so fickle?!

As such, I get blamed for many of the problems. This, in my opinion, is not fair. Last year, we established that if anyone has any problems with anyone else, they would directly bring that issue up with that person. This rule was never followed. Instead, stuff was told to me which I, in turn, told another.

I wrongly assumed that I was told these things in order to try and fix things, as is my nature. Some things, should have been left alone, I realize that now. And sure, I may have contributed a little to the ensuing drama. But I never ever ever intended for my concern to be interpreted incorrectly. Whoever interpreted my actions as a detriment, that was their own fault.

I often hear about a problem one is having with another. I sometimes offer advice or register concern because I feel that that is what is wanted. If not, then why tell me?

For example, there is one gay boy who decided it would be best to no longer be in contact with another. I supported his decision and decided to do whatever possible to help him keep this decision. However, he often asked me about the other and even told me how much he missed him and things he had been doing to change the situation he created. Some of these things were very harmful and the sign of some emotional imbalance. Being the overprotective fag hag that I am, I told the one what the other was doing. We both felt that the actions were verging on stalking.

This is not healthy. I felt that some serious steps should be taken, knowing full well that it would cause heartache and possibly something worse. I'll admit it, I am more loyal to some of my gay boyfriends then others. But it is because they mean more to me and are more honest and genuine with me than the others. I don't like being lied to (just ask Jesse) and I don't like bad things said about the ones I am the closest to (just ask Adam).

So, when I told about this "stalking," I knew what effects it would have. But I don't think I deserve to be harassed by late night phone calls and cryptic messages on my voicemail. If I was to be the confidant, then let me know. I think that my actions were warranted. Dangerous behavior and the threat of harm was imminent, I believe.

Now, I know that only being friends with gay boys will cause problems and drama. I obviously can't please everyone and I don't apologize for my actions. Most of the time, the situation is rectified and we all continue to be friends. I can tell that, that is not going to be the case here. But it has shown me who my true friends are and who really cares about me. The others, well, I guess I was never meant to be their fag hag.

Don't despair though, I am certain yours is out there.

Life's Little Annoyances

#1 Assumption. Do not assume anything about how I am feeling, thinking, or desiring. For example, do not assume that I am mad at you without any facts and without talking to me about it.

#2 Blame. Do not blame me for anything bad that happens in your life. Take some responsibility for your own actions and realize that you need some serious help.

#3 Inconsistency. Do not tell me that you want to do something and then don't. For example, do not tell me you would like me to call you if your help is needed only to say you never wanted me to do so.

#4 Timing. Never, ever call me at 10:15 PM then 12:15 AM deliberately and leave cryptic messages on my voicemail. This is not funny and it is definitely not a way to make me talk to you. Get a life.

#5 More Assumptions. Do not assume I am talking badly about you unless you know without a doubt I am. Sometimes, I just like to talk about you with others to figure out how best NOT to hurt you.

#6 Lies. Don't lie to me. It just pisses me off even more.

#7 Mistaken Sarcasm. Oh please, if you haven't figured out by now that I am 75% sarcastic, then you do live in your own reality

Like Sands Through the Hourglass, These are the Gays of My Life

Ah, where do I begin?

I have always known that having only gay boys as friends can becomplicated. There is always some kind of drama or crisis going on. "I don't like that one" or "He is mad at me" are words I hear often.

I have one gay boy, Brady, who does not like the others and purposefully avoids them at all costs. He is insanely jealous of Jesse, my best friend, and can never say anything nice.

Next is Scott the gayest boy you'll ever meet. He is sweet and cute and I always laugh hysterically when he is around. Not much to say about them. They are always busy with school or work. BOR-ING!!!

Brian and Jesse Nicholls-Nix or Nix-Nicholls (rolling my eyes) areprobably the least drama-free and most fun to be with. Brian often jokes that I spend more time at their house then he does. That's not totally true, but I can see how he would say that. I talk to Jesse almost every single day-on Instant Messanger, on the phone, or in person. So, there is little that Brian doesn't know. Sometimes this is good, sometimes it's bad. Either way, I go through these cycles where I think Brian hates me (even though he doesn't) and I hate him back(even though I don't).They have an interesting relationship. I know that they are meant to be together and they both want to spend the rest of their lives with each other. But sometimes I wonder. The running joke among all of us is, "Oh, look. Jesse and Brian are fighting again." They don't fight. They have disagreements over who killed the plant or who knows photoshop better.

I know they will be together for the rest of their lives. (If not, I have to clean up the puddle of Jesse. Don't do that to me Brian!)

Finally, Adam. Hmmm, what to say? What to say?

Oh my hell! Where do I begin! Out of all of them, Adam wins Miss DramaWorld Infinity. And I KNOW drama, I have a 5-year-old girl who I swearhas taken acting lessons from Sally Fields.

Anyway, Adam causes most, ok ALL, of the contention among all of us. For awhile, he was only talking to me (why, God, why?!). Now, he has slowly moved back into being "friends" with Brian and I'm not sure if Scott is talking to him yet. Something or someone is always bothering him. We can't talk about him because his feelings might get hurt orwhatever. Yet, he ALWAYS talks about others and ALWAYS says shit about them. He blames me for the problems we have, but that's his way of not taking responsibility for anything.

I know he is jealous of the friendship I have with Jesse. He resents me. But that wasn't my fault. He alienated himself from us on his own. So what if they all like me more? (Well, I am cuter, smarter, and funner than him. hehe) It gets annoying after awhile and we seem to go through these never-ending cycles with him. Today, he's not our friend. Tomorrow, he will be. And the day after that? Who the hell knows?

Well, this concludes my first post (let's hope it's not the last) of The Gays of My Life.

Stay tuned...