On being the 3rd, or 5th, or even 7th wheel

I like being single. I like the freedom I have of not having to constantly be with a partner. I like the independence of not worrying about the feelings of someone else.

Oh, and I'm afraid of commitment.

This being said, there are often times my singleness is greatly emphasized. And I hate it.

This usually happens when hanging out with my boys. And it usually doesn't bother me unless I constantly think about it like I tend to do with things. Brian and Jesse are partners, and Scott is currently dating. Right there, I have 2 couples to deal with.

I don't get into too awkward situations usually where I feel severely uncomfortable. For example, last Monday, Brian, Jesse and I went out to eat at a fancyish restaurant and then a movie. The three of us have gone out many times and we have a lot of fun. There was a time when I was a regular staple at the Nicholls-Nix household. So much so that Brian joked that I was there more often than he was. At their new house, I don't even bother knocking, I just walk right in like I live there too. (I feel I deserve it because of my hard work, sweat, and burnt arm.) (Subliminal message: I need a new iPod.)

Anyway, as I was saying, sometimes, being the 3rd (or 5th or 7th) wheel just isn't a big deal.

Unless, it's emphasized by another person.

This happened on Saturday. After a fun day at the air show with Jesse and his friend Sara, Jesse invited me, Scott, and Ken over to their house for dinner and board games. Russell and Jennie were there as well so we knew we'd have fun.

Jesse wanted to play Cranium and since teams are needed for this, it was blatantly obvious that I was the "odd man out." Jesse suggested I call Melissa to invite her so I wouldn't be left out. I told him just to take me home if it was that big of a deal to him. He protested that it wasn't and away we went.

Cutting it short, we ended up not playing Cranium but another game in which the teams were as follows:

• Russell & Jennie
• Brian & Jesse
• Scott, Ken, & Me

I did feel like the 7th wheel. And I hate it. I feel like I am the poor single friend they invited to hang out with them cause they feel sorry for them or that I'm a drag and they only hang out with out of pity.

*Suggestion* When playing games with friends, if teams are needed, don't make couples automatic teams. I know this upsets some very much (so much they get pissy and ask everyone to leave) but it's only nice and fair. I mean, why do the couples ALWAYS have to be teammates?

Have you found your Urban Tribe?

I've always found it interesting how groups of friends are formed. My core group of friends have been friends for about 2 years now and it's funny how it's never really deviated. There have been additions with current boyfriends or old friends coming around again but mostly it's the 5 of us.

Last summer, we had weekly "Family Homo Evenings" where each of us would plan something fun that we all had to participate in as a way of us always hanging out with each other. There has been talk about doing it again this summer because of the fun we had last year but so far no one is willing to commit. (Gay men not willing to commit? Crazy!)

Part of this, I believe, is what has happened in that year.

The article below describes (I've only copied some of the article, click on the post title to read the entire thing) what I'm going through in my life right now. My friends are my family. My "real" family doesn't live here so it's hard to have their support. So, I turn to my friends. They are my family.

Matt and I were talking the other night about how to make friends. He said, "I have no idea where to meet new people." And it's strange how that is for a lot of people.

Where do you find friends?

Take your current really-close, best friends and think about where you met them. Most of us meet friends in 3 different areas: work, school, and other social groups we belong to.

Work friends are sometimes hard to get close to. When I first moved to Salt Lake, there were a few friends who I was with 24/7--work, play AND school.

Yet, after we graduate from college, we stop making school friends. It is very rare for someone to still be close friends with the same people they went to high school with or even met when they first started college. I believe that the friends we make while in college are the friends we will be friends with for the rest of our lives. By the time we've finished school, we have some sense of who we are and what we want out of life and the friends we have made are quite similar to us. Naturally, it just makes sense that you will be friends with them for life.

Brady recently moved to San Francisco and was expressing to me last night how hard it was to meet people AND make friends with them. He thought it would be so easy and he'd have a ton of new friends. Instead, he has only met guys who want to hook up with him and a few people from Utah. How do we meet people that we want to form long-lasting friendships with? Furthermore, which is more important: continually working on making new friendships or working on keeping old ones strong?

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without my friends--even the ones who don't live here anymore. Yet I know that we will all be friends for a really long time.

And that is something that makes me very happy.

Between graduation and marriage, young adults are moving away from their families and building 'urban tribes' - support groups built around friendship

By Christy Karras
The Salt Lake Tribune

When an uninsured member of Adriane Colvin's urban tribe had a brain aneurysm, the tribe - a group of friends that served as her substitute family - was there to help. They arranged her doctor visits, helped her around the house and started a fund to pay her medical bills.

"It was just an amazing outpouring of support," Colvin said. But she wasn't surprised: The tribe has been supporting its members' needs for years.

Such groups of adult friends usually don't call themselves tribes, or even think of themselves that way. All they know is, when they need someone to help them move the furniture, give dating advice or plan a home-cooked meal, they often turn to chosen families rather than biological ones.

"They evolve so organically that you don't recognize the social momentum they contain," said Ethan Watters, whose book, Urban Tribes, popularized the term and the idea. "People begin telling stories about 'This group did this.' . . . Once it gets to that point, you can remove a person from the group, and it doesn't change the group. It's highly clustered. You can actually graph it and see how this works in vast numbers of lines between people."

How do you know you're in a tribe? Watters says, "Go down the list of things your family used to do and ask, 'Does my family do this for me, or do my friends?' " Who vets potential dates? Whose shoulder do you cry on if you've had a bad day?
"You begin to see the family is still culturally important, and yet a lot of those day-to-day things have been taken over by friends," he said.

More and more, people spend their college and post-college years moving away from their hometowns, marrying later and focusing on interests and careers. Nationally, the U.S. Census reported last year, the average marriage age for women has risen 4.7 years in the past three decades, to about 26, while the age for men at first marriage is up 4.3 years, to 27.4. In Utah, the averages are lower, but those numbers are skewed by the high number of Mormons who marry early (according to Utah state data, for example, three-fourths of people married before age 20 had LDS ceremonies).

Lacking a built-in family or church support system, unmarried adults such as Heidi Falk create their own.

Falk's tribe originated when several friends moved from Illinois to Utah to snowboard. She came to visit and fell in love with the place. Now, the group has grown to include friends and significant others from Utah and other states. "I'm not really a person to, say, go to the bars to look for people, but we always like to add new people to the group," she said.

The dozen or so men and women, most in their late 20s, see each other several times a month and spend holidays together. "Even those . . . who have family here spend the holidays with us, as well as with their families," Falk said.

For its members, the tribe has been a godsend. "I'm grateful because right after college, this is what happened," said Falk. "It provides me with lots of stability - and it's also just fun."

Without families nearby, traditional family roles - matchmaker, confidant, adviser - are taken over by friends. "If you go back to basics, there's always a memory, in your DNA, of living in tribes," said Colvin, who organizes events for the Burning Man festival in Nevada, an event frequented by urban tribes, including several in Salt Lake City. "The power of a tribe is that the members of a tribe suddenly figure out who they are and figure out their gifts and what they can give to this society."

A tribe "serves as a place where there's no judgment, a community of like-minded people," she said. For her, the tribe is another kind of family.

If you've read until the very end, leave a comment and congratulate me. This my 100th post on this blog.

I wish I had that

Last Saturday, Brian was working at a Bride & Groom Expo selling cell phones. Jesse and I thought it would be fun to go to the Expo to begin planning their wedding.

At first we pretended that we were the ones getting married to each other. But we just weren't into it. At every booth, we were asked who was getting married. We began by saying that I was and Scott or Adam would pretend to be my groom. Weird. Eventually, we were just saying that Jesse was. No one really questioned things. One lady asked where his bride was and when Jesse replied, "There is no bride, only a groom. In fact, he's down there working," her reply was, "Oh you're pulling my leg."

I said, "No, actually he's not."

We found some other vendors who were not shocked by the thought of two men getting married to each other. The Pampered Chef lady was so fun and told us about a Commitment Expo being held soon (which we will be going to as well). We convinced one vendor to go over and "talk" Brian into being more committed to marrying Jesse and not only did she talk to him, she gave him a coupon for 50% off their pictures!

I think I'm more excited about them getting married than either one of them is and I keep telling people they are. (Don't be mad at me! I figure this way, Brian will give and agree to a fall wedding this year.)

I think I'm more excited because of my commitment phobia. I have no desire to get married at this point in time (much to my mother's dismay) and will be excited for them.

But I see their relationship and it makes me wish that I had what they have: a loving, caring relationship that has stood through good and bad and will be there forever. It's so sweet to watch them together and you just know by watching them that it's true love and they are meant to be together.

Whenever I hear this song, it reminds of their relationship so I had to put it here.

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections.
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land.

You stay the course, you hold the line you keep it all together.
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe.

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it.
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day
"Push" by Sarah McLachlan

And so what if I'm a little cheesy. I deserve to be every now and then. I do (heart) my gays.

Commitment

I received a call from one of my boys the other day. He was just checking in to see how I was and stuff. It was obvious he was feeling bored--mostly because his boyfriend wasn't at home.

He then started to tell me that things were not all good in Gayville.

Basically, both of them thought they were mutually exclusively dating each other at different times. My friend sooner and his bf later. So, while the bf thought they were not exclusive yet, he fucked around with some random guy (possibly twice) AND his ex.

My boy was obviously upset about this because he saw it as a breech of trust in their relationship. He just recently found out about this and ever since then, he has been wondering just how many other guys there were when the "exclusive-only" period was still in question. The bf, however, didn't see it as such a big deal.

This made me start wondering about my other boys and their relationships.

Now, I'm not one to comment on the importance of commitment. I will run as fast as I can from it. But there is something about gay commitment that I just don't understand.

It took me a while to figure out why having a relationship is so important to a gay man. They have gone their entire lives wanting to be accepted for who they are and they just ache to have someone love them.

Until things get hard.

Now, this is not true in every relationship I've seen, but it seems to be a common occurrence--when the going gets tough, they're outta there. I find that intriguing, to say the least.

Instead of trying to work things out and trying to figure out how to make things better, most gay boys don't bother to try. They just cut and run to next boy. Now, I realize that not every gay relationship is like that. But, I think for some, it just seems easier to not deal with things and leave while they still can. Why is this?

Why is it okay in gayland to 'cheat' on your significant other--whether you are exclusive or not or whether it's physical or not? Doesn't some kind of commitment mean anything?

Now, my friend's bf was quite unwilling to talk more about his indiscretions. He honestly didn't think that it was that big of a deal and my friend was really hurt. This brought up all kinds of questions. Can I still trust him? What if there were others he didn't tell me about? Should I stay with him? Why is he so unwilling to talk about it?

Communication, I have noticed, is the best thing in a relationship--gay or straight. But if one party is unwilling to communicate, or unwilling to talk about everything freely then how can anything be resolved?

Finally, why does a gay boy crave a relationship so much then leave when that relationship gets hard?

And why does losing a love hurt so much?