"It's all down to drugs; at least I remember taking them and not a lot else."

If there is one thing I love more than music, it's live music. I have been averaging about one to two concert once per quarter for the past few years now. In my hey-day, I'd get free tickets from labels to go to shows; it was pretty sweet.

On Monday night, Mel and I went to see Snow Patrol at Salt Air. I swore that whenever they came to Salt Lake, I'd be there no matter what. (I haven't been to Salt Air in over 10 years and "kinda" got a little lost on the way there...LONG story...) (Oh, and if you haven't heard of Snow Patrol and/or you don't like them, we are no longer be friends).

I am very particular about my concerts. I like to be entertained; that's why I pay money to go to them. I've never really been to a bad concert, mostly because all of the artists I've ever seen are ones I love. (I mean, why else shell out the money to see them if you don't, right?)

There are three basic elements to a good show.

1. Artists who don't play their songs EXACTLY like the radio/CD version. This can include 5 minute guitar solos or nice little jig from the lead singer.

2. Artists who keep the entire audience entertained throughout the whole set. This includes ensuring that people are singing along or clapping rhythmically or whatever. But if you have people yawning during that slow song, you might want to consider taking it out of the next evening's set.

3. Artists who have conversations with the audience from the stage. You know what I mean. After every song, DON'T just say thanks and move onto the next song. Tell us a little about the song or what girl broke your heart or a funny story from your youth--ANYTHING that helps us get to know you. We are fans, we care.

Now, Snow Patrol did a great job of #3. The band hails from Ireland and every time the lead singer opened his mouth and spoke, a fantasy of mine popped into my head. My favorite time of the night came when a girl shouted from the audience, "I love you!" He replied in his heavy Irish accent, "'ow can ya luv me? Ya don' ev'n know meh. 'aven't ya listen'd ta meh lyrics? Ai'm not a vey goo' boyfrien' ya know."

As for #2, there was a lot of singing and clapping along, but during some of the slow songs, my A.D.D. kicked in and I started making fun of people (okay, so we did that the entire night, but still). I did get chills when they played my favorite song, "Chocolate" and loved watching them sing it as it's the only song of theirs that I know every sing word.

And #1, there are only a few concerts I've been to where an artist/band has done this. And when it happens, you know you're witnessing greatness. We love songs and artists because we love the lyrics or the voice of the singer or it has a catchy tune. But when an artist is able to turn their song into something completely new during a live show, you know they are a true "artist." It was great to see them sing these songs that have so many meanings to various situations in my life. I love seeing an artist's soul on display through their music.

Overall, I give the show an eight and I'm so glad I went. It was definitely worth it.

"We'd be good, we'd be great together"

My friend Carla and I were talking the other day about the serious lack of our social lives (i.e. dating men). She told me, "You know, you may actually find a guy to date if you didn't only hang out with gay men." (She then told me that "with eye-candy like Jesse, she can't really blame me for only having gay men as friends" to which I replied, "If you think Jesse is cute, you should see his boyfriend; he's HOT.")

I told her that finding a straight man to date really wasn't that simple.

First, I hardly think I'll ever be able to find a suitable partner in this state as I'm afraid it would prove to be most difficult to find one who is okay with my single momness. Then, I'd have to be sure they were cool with the gays since some straight guys might be uneasy with that or wonder why I like hanging out with them more. And let's not even start to talk about the fact that I am an educated, liberal, self-sufficient woman who does not want more children and wants to own a Jaguar (the car--not the animal) or two when I'm finished with law school.

Some people tell me that I need to "find a man" for the kid. But why subject her to settle for the influence of 1 straight man when she already has the influence of 3 gay ones!? I mean really. This should totally end the discussion right now.

Except, it's still going to be an endless topic of conversation.

Especially now since I've gathered up enough courage and asked a (straight) guy out.

I may or may not keep you posted as the situation develops. It's uncharted territory for me and every time I think about it, I laugh. Do you think I have enough material for a sitcom yet?

"Have you taken Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?"

"No. But I love his work."

From Hedwig and the Angry Inch which I watched for the first time ever tonight. I must say, it's one of the best movies I've ever seen.

I love the music. I love the acting. I love the lead actor. I love the story.

The story is much more than just an angry drag queen who has an awesome voice. It's the story about finding oneself--of figuring out who we are. We are more than just the labels society puts on us or we put on ourselves. We are unique, wonderful human beings.

Through the whole movie, we find Hedwig struggling to find her other half because she believes that will make her whole. This movie shows us that we are perfect and beautiful and wonderful by ourselves. We don't need someone else to make us whole. It's a very touching self-examination for all of us, I think.

"I put on some makeup. Turn on the 8-track. I'm pulling a wig down from the shelf."

"Is it any wonder?"

I'm often asked why it is I only have gay boyfriends. I like to think that I have other people besides my boys who I am close to, but when I really think about it, I realize that I don't. If some major catastrophe occurred, I think about who I would call first. No doubt, at least two of my boys would be in the top three.

I'm really not sure of my "attraction" to gay men. They are much more fun and not as bitchy as women. Well, there are some exceptions. But I really enjoy hanging out with gay men despite the small annoyances that occur every now and then.

I also think that it's the "mother" in me that helps in my "attraction." Gay men, because of the sheer vulnerability of being gay, are fragile and I just need to help and fix them. They are a needy kind and I am there for them.

And yet, I often feel that I need them more than they need me.

Little things are said or done that make me question what my friendships really are.

I am insecure, scared and vulnerable.

I give and give and do this or help out with that because I know that, in doing so, I become needed and wanted. I don't ask for much in return. A simple acknowledgement of my feelings every once in a while would be nice.

I care about my boys and I don't think they realize how much or reciprocate the feelings.

It's times like these I wonder why I'm friends with them at all.


Sometimes it's hard to know where I stand
It's hard to know where I am
Well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand
Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm
Stranded in the wrong time
Where love is just a lyric in children's rhyme, a soundbite

Is it any wonder that I feel afraid?
Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed?
"Is it any wonder?" Keane

I wish I had that

Last Saturday, Brian was working at a Bride & Groom Expo selling cell phones. Jesse and I thought it would be fun to go to the Expo to begin planning their wedding.

At first we pretended that we were the ones getting married to each other. But we just weren't into it. At every booth, we were asked who was getting married. We began by saying that I was and Scott or Adam would pretend to be my groom. Weird. Eventually, we were just saying that Jesse was. No one really questioned things. One lady asked where his bride was and when Jesse replied, "There is no bride, only a groom. In fact, he's down there working," her reply was, "Oh you're pulling my leg."

I said, "No, actually he's not."

We found some other vendors who were not shocked by the thought of two men getting married to each other. The Pampered Chef lady was so fun and told us about a Commitment Expo being held soon (which we will be going to as well). We convinced one vendor to go over and "talk" Brian into being more committed to marrying Jesse and not only did she talk to him, she gave him a coupon for 50% off their pictures!

I think I'm more excited about them getting married than either one of them is and I keep telling people they are. (Don't be mad at me! I figure this way, Brian will give and agree to a fall wedding this year.)

I think I'm more excited because of my commitment phobia. I have no desire to get married at this point in time (much to my mother's dismay) and will be excited for them.

But I see their relationship and it makes me wish that I had what they have: a loving, caring relationship that has stood through good and bad and will be there forever. It's so sweet to watch them together and you just know by watching them that it's true love and they are meant to be together.

Whenever I hear this song, it reminds of their relationship so I had to put it here.

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections.
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land.

You stay the course, you hold the line you keep it all together.
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe.

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it.
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day
"Push" by Sarah McLachlan

And so what if I'm a little cheesy. I deserve to be every now and then. I do (heart) my gays.

One boy, one girl

This is a previous post from my other blog. I apologize to those of you who have already read it. I feel that it fits better with this blog. Enjoy...

I was asked yesterday in a job interview what my greatest accomplishment was. My answer was a little cheesy and I only half-heartedly believed it.

Until yesterday afternoon.

My answer was, "My kid. And watching her learn and grow and become a better person." Now, when I said this, I was really only trying to sound deep and meaningful. I didn't really believe it.

Then, we went swimming. And we started talking about girls and boys.

Now, last week, she got on this kick that Jesse and Brian are brothers. Her reasoning: "Because they live together." When I told that they were not brothers, she said, "OK, they are cousins then." Still no, I said.

But yesterday, she had a breakthrough. I'm not sure how we got on the subject. I think Scott and I were talking about Nathan or something. She kept saying that it was "disgusting for two boys and two girls" to be together. I kept asking her why she thought so. Her answer: "I don't know."

Scott and I kept pressing into her that it's ok for 2 boys to love each other and be boyfriends. "What about 2 girls?" she inquired. That's ok too, I assured her, as is a boy and a girl.

Then I called Scott gay (which he is!). She asked what "gay" meant. I told her that it was 2 boys or 2 girls that are boyfriends or girlfriends. "EW!" she exclaimed. No, it's not, I told her, again. Scott and I proceeded to explain everything all over again. I ended the conversation with, "It's ok for 2 boys to be boyfriends, right? That means gay. And gay is okay, right?"

"YES!" she cried in exasperation (mostly because I kept saying it).

Then she said, "Well mom, if 2 girls like each other then you are gay too! You have friends who are girls so they are your girlfriends!" She later told Nathan and Brady, "My mom is gay!"

Oi vey!

Now, I still have some progress to make, I know. I do have 5 years of my mother's teachings to erase. But she finally understood that it's ok for 2 boys to be boyfriends. She realized that these men, who she loves dearly, love each other and that's normal.

I feel like I accomplished something great with her. She understands and accepts, at the young age of 6, what millions of other people feel is immoral and wrong. To her, there is nothing wrong with my gay boyfriends. To her, they are good people; ones she looks up to and has fun with. She has no judgments against them because of their sexual orientation. To her, they are: Jesse--the fun one (and favorite), Brian--the smart one, Scott--the skinny one, Brady--the one who swims, Adam--the weird one (which he is) and Shawn--the other one. They are my friends. And hers. She constantly begs for one of them to come over or for us to go visit them. Sometimes, she'd rather hang out with them instead of her own little friends.

One boy and one boy is ok.

I'm happy they are in our lives (mostly the first 3 on my list above). They have made both of us better people.

But one boy, and one girl boy, two hearts beating wildly.
To put it mildly, it was love at first sight.
He smiled, she he smiled, and they knew right away
that this was the day they'd waited for all their lives.
And for a moment the whole world
revolved around one boy and one girl boy.
"One Boy, One Girl Boy" Colin Raye

Girls Just Wanna Have Fu-un!

Only having gay boys as friends can be, well, interesting, to say the least. Just when I think that things can not get any more strange, they do.

Last night, Scott, Jesse, and Shawn came over to my house to hang out. While we were talking, my kid wanted to dance for them. As she danced, we talked about the various costumes we were going to use for our movie when they thought it would be fun to dress up in her dress-up clothes (my old sister's prom dresses).

They changed into the dresses and pranced and danced around. I didn't get any pictures because the battery was dead. It was by far the funniest thing I have ever seen them do. Scott was the best; he really looked like a girl.

Jesse said this about the three of them: "Scott looks the most like a girl, Shawn looks like the slut with his dress half-off (side note: none of the dresses fit any of them) and I look like the fat girl in her prom dress." Well, if he hadn't stuff his dress, maybe he wouldn't have.

McKenna thought that they were all weird and I'm sure she'll be traumatized for life but it was very funny.

I told them that they will all have to do it again because I will need pictures. Then, I'll show you and you'll see why having only gay boyfriends is so much fun.

Girls just wanna have!
That's all they really want--some fun!
When the working day is done
Oh, girls they wanna have fu-un!
--Cyndi Lauper

That's what friends are for

It's interesting having only gay boyfriends as my closest friends. There is usually always some kind of drama going on.

Lately, however, life has been quite drama-free. I attribute that to the absence of two "friends." One, who is no longer a friend of any of ours, caused much stress, drama, and hurt feelings among the others. The other, well, he's still kinda there, in the background, yet he only acknowledges my friendship. I wish he wouldn't, at times. You see, he often puts me in the middle of his problems with others and it's very frustrating.

One of my favorite movies is The Sandlot. It's a movie about a group of young boys who play baseball one summer and grow to be the best of friends that summer. After seeing them work and play together that summer, you feel like they are going to be friends for the rest of their lives. At the end of the movie, however, the narrator tells us that they all moved away and fell out of touch with each other. But that one summer will always make them friends. I sometimes wonder about my current friends. Will we still be friends when we're older? Or will we all move on and grow apart? Of course, we are all adults on our ways to the careers and lifestyles of our choosing, but still, it makes me wonder.

I find a certain happiness with my current friends. Once, in front of a very large group, I broke down crying and said that my gay friends were my family and that they mean so very much to me.

That's why it's hard for me to see them upset or hurt or in pain. It's hard for me when one says mean and untrue things about another. The mother in me just wants to wrap my arms around them and tell them everything will be okay and then everything really will be okay. But life's not like that.

I'm not sure how I got to be "The Advisor One." I don't mind it at all, though, because I know that when I have a problem (and Lord knows I've had my share this year) I can go to one of them just like they have come to me. It only bothers me that one GBF uses me. He is the most selfish of all my friends and only calls me when he needs something. I'm not sure why I let him use me like he does. He's a strange one with many problems even I can't help him with.

I hope, however, that the close circle of us who are really good friends, will continue to be friends--through the good and the bad so when we're 80-years-old and still getting together on Monday nights, we can all look back and say, "Remember that one time when we...That was great."

Keep smiling, keep shining

Knowing you can always count on me, for sure.

That's what friends are for.

For good times and bad times,

I'll be on your side forevermore.

That's what friends are for.

"That's What Friends Are For"

Dionne Warwick, Elton John, Gladys Knight, & Stevie Wonder